Memories
by Cain Boudicca
Summary: Memories come, memories go. But the things worth living for? Those are the things that should always be remembered.   Rated Mature for possible scenes in later chapters. Will post warning in the disclaimer if something is to occur.
1. Prologue

_**This is a somewhat journal type of story, as will be explained a little further on. It does have a pairing; Lavi and my OC. The chapters will be quite short, as they're not meant to be like some sort of essay; more of a true journal of Tory's thoughts and emotions as she goes through this conflict.**_

**_I do not own D. Gray-Man, any of the characters, or anything associated with D. Gray-Man. All I own is Tory._**

* * *

><p><strong><strong>I hadn't believed such a day would ever come. The day that he, the one with whom I had placed so much trust, so much faith, so much devotion and love... The day he forgot who I was, and who we were together.

Such a thing could never happen, you might say. Oh, how I didn't believe it could, either. It never once came to my mind, never once did I dare think 'What if he one day forgot who I was? What would I do then?' I sort of can't help but wonder... If I had, would I be more... Prepared, now?

No... No, I would not. It would come as a jolt, just as it does now. No amount of thought, of planning, no amount of anything could ever ease these... Emotions, that I must now deal with.

Yet... Some may leave, at a time like this. They may give up. Just cry and give in. Surrender their love, for ease of heart, to find comfort elsewhere.

I'm not like those people.

Though, you really don't even know who I am... or who I happen to be speaking of. Well, I guess I should explain, huh? Should have from the start, I suppose, but I felt what needed to be said, must be said, and-

Sorry. Getting sidetracked again. I'm Torishi Sato, though I usually just go by Tory. I'm an Exorcist at the Black Order, although I'm definitely not one of the strongest. Quite the contrary, I hate fighting of any kind, especially sparring. I just can't bear the thought of accidentally hurting a friend, I guess.

That's not the point I've been speaking of, though, is it? I apologize. I'm known to get quite... Off topic. It's in my blood, I guess. Though, I always tend to get back to the original subject quite quick...

As I was saying. The one whom I spoke of before... The one who forgot me? His name is Lavi. Does he have a last name? I don't know, truthfully. Though, I'm a bit doubtful, not that I mind or anything.

You see, I know it's... Well, I suppose a form of taboo that I would ever dare be with Lavi. He's a Bookmen's apprentice, after all. He should not form relationships, and no one should really try so hard to form a relationship with them, but... I couldn't help it. I just felt... Drawn to him. To his lively personality, his enthusiasm, everything about him down to the very core.

A lot has happened to the two of us, before this event transpired. So, so much. Some good, some bad... But everything that has happened, was worth meeting him. I wouldn't take it back for the world and a half, and that's why...

Well, that's why I refuse to give him up so easily.

You see... I'm hoping, with all my heart, that I can help him to recover those memories. Somehow, someway. There will be... Many things, that I plan to speak to him of. To try and help him, you know? And to take a stroll down memory lane for myself... To remember the things we have been through together.

Everything... The good and the bad, yeah?

This will be my own personal journal of memories... Memories of Lavi and I. And, although even as I write this he has no memories of me... I will wait, as I always promised to him.

I promised you, Lavi, that I would always wait for you. Now, I will prove it until the end of my time here, if I must. This, I swear.


	2. Entry 1

_Some friends come, some friends go._

_But in the end, friends are the things that can truly start a life._

* * *

><p>It is time I write my first entry. I figure, I may as well write about our first meeting. After all, what else could fit such a topic so well?<p>

Well... Normally, I'm quite the shy person. I'm usually pretty bad when it comes to speaking up to someone. For Lavi though? I forced myself to. Went out of my way to try and strike up a conversation, you know?

Thankfully for me, I succeeded. We wound up talking about Kanda quite a bit, though, whom I back then used to call 'Brother', for my own personal reasons. (And, much to his distaste, if I might add.)

But... Even that day. When we had JUST met, you called me your new-found friend. Right from the get-go.

I worry at that point, I only embarrassed myself, though. I was only being playful; teasing him in a fun little way. Insinuating as if he were a rabbit, among other things. I don't even know why, but I just felt so... So free, with Lavi. Like I could just be myself, let out my inner self. I didn't have to be so shy, didn't have to be so... Afraid.

I felt truly at ease, with him.

Then, of course, he started to tease right back about my being cat-like. Said I might be my own 'species'. An Alien-Exorcist-Cat, or something along those lines. I find that to be quite amusing, now that I think about it.

Then he offered me a hug. Such a simple gesture, but it had caught me so... Off guard? Why did it get to me, so much? It shocked me enough that, when he offered, I probably seemed as if I was highly against it.

Quite the opposite, though. I really wanted to see what a hug from him could be like. Would it make me feel nervous, as most contact with others did to me, back then? Or would it feel... Relaxing? Comforting?

I wound up getting that hug, thankfully. And, you know? I liked it. It surprised me, how much I wound up liking it. Normally, even with a simple hug, I feel... Jittery. Afraid, paranoid. With him, though, I felt... I just felt a world better about it.

Of course, at that time, I didn't think much of it. After all, I was only your new-found friend. I figured that was all I ever could be, to you.

At that time? I hadn't hoped for anything more. At least, not to my knowledge.


	3. Entry 2

_Love... It's an amazing thing, isn't it? It can be warm, it can be cruel..._

_But if it sticks? Then it is true._

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><p>I remember the day well, Lavi, where we first became a 'couple'. November 7th, to be exact.<p>

At first, I think it was a sort of game to you. I do not blame you for that; it was in your nature. In your very blood. You are a soon to be Bookman, after all. Relationships hinder your lives, from Bookman's point of view.

That is not the point right now, however. See, I remember, quite clearly. Pria? She had come to you, told you how I had my crush on you. You seemed to find it more amusing than anything. Then she asked you to be with me.

That's when you told her you like to keep your options open.

I acted, of course, as if that didn't bother me; that it was only Pria being herself, you being yourself, and it didn't matter anyway. It was a crush after all. It didn't matter, right?

Wrong. Deep down? It hurt. It really did... In fact, it all but completely burned my heart to the very core. I kept a straight face, though. Laughed, told Pria how I told her so, and the like.

That is... Until she mentioned that little 'bet'. Between herself, Jelena, and Kanda. That if you and I came together... Jelena would end up going out with Kanda. I bet those two knew nothing would happen, or at least figured it. But... Your interest had been perked, and there was no stopping that.

You agreed... Though I was horribly reluctant at that point. I figured that was it, all it was to you. A little bet, a game even. But... You soon coaxed me into agreeing. I definitely don't regret that day, Lavi. I can promise you that.

That night, you decided to make it... Well, official. … Well, alright, an official date, I suppose. We went out to dinner. I have to say, I felt quite shy, if that weren't too obvious. I was afraid I'd say something odd, be klutzy... I'm not too sure, really, but I felt nervous. That's what I was sure of.

How would this night end? Would it be the last, for us? Would you be interested in sticking with me..?

After our dinner, you and I... We went out on a nice, long walk. Thanks to my eye, I could see better in the darker environment, but having you beside me brought the most comfort. Is that a bad thing? I mean, considering we only just had our first date..?

Ah, if it's a bad thing? I don't think I want to be right, Lavi.

We laid down in the grass, after we got tired of walking. Speaking of tired, I was the one who fell asleep, first, wasn't I? I just dozed off, right there in the grass. I can't fully remember from there, but I think I opened my eyes after you had brought me back to the Order. You laid me down yet again, and let me go right back to sleep.

* * *

><p><em>But now, Lavi? Ever since that day, I didn't like sleeping so much. Do you know why?<em>

_Well... It's because every moment my eyes remain closed... It's another moment not seeing you._


	4. Entry 3

I always promised to wait. To love. To be loyal until the very end of my lifetime.

I knew full well who and what you were, and what troubles and pains could be wrought thanks to that. I never expected to hear you tell me you loved me; after all, it was purely forbidden. You could not take sides, you could not love any one person, you could only watch and record the destruction and events of this long, torturous war. Even now, I wish I had asked you, 'What is it like to be a Bookman?' Alas, I never did.

Some boundaries just cannot be crossed.

Despite that… Do you remember, Lavi? Do you remember that day, deep down? I managed to irritate a Noah; one of the most dangerous, I'd think. Tyki Mikk. I came out okay, only a few bruises and pretty shaken up. It could have been far worse… I couldn't fully understand why, but… You interfered. You went to fight the Noah…

Did you realize what you were doing, then? Did you realize the rules you had just broken?

I was scared, knowing you went to fight him, but you seemed okay. Until he returned yet again. That's when we learned he put that dreaded Teaz in my heart… You were horrified and extremely irritated. You fought him again, until I started feeling the effects that Teaz had on me. I could never guess, could never dream, that a heart could hurt so much. So many different feelings of pain coursed through my chest; burning, tearing, I could feel every gnaw of Teaz in my heart… No word could describe such feelings.

You didn't skip a beat, though. You gave up the fight, you took me away from there before more harm could be done in my moment of weakness. You got me into a bed, and we waited for the Head Nurse… I felt so… So terrified. Yet, at the same time, I felt that comfort from you I experienced with our first hug.

Sappy, huh?

Sister… Jelena, she had come too. I tried to joke, act as if I was perfectly fine, but she knew better. Big sisters always know when their youngest sister is in pain. She had left for something… perhaps to actually find the Nurse? I hadn't really noticed at first, I was far too deep into thought. How was I still alive, even now? Was Tyki only toying with us, waiting to kill me off?

Lavi… You shook me out of those thoughts. You took my hand, oh so gently… You seemed genuinely distraught that this had all happened. I couldn't help but feel guilty. You apologized to me, then, Lavi. Did you feel it was your fault? You told me you should have been there, protecting me. I tried to assure you; it was okay. It wasn't your fault…

I lied for the first time to you, that day. I lied when I promised that I knew I'd survive. Of course, you had to voice my fears. You asked me, Lavi, 'How do you know? What if you don't?'' Again, I had to lie… I told you not to worry, no matter what, I would live. You gripped my hand a little bit tighter, then.

And, though you don't know it… What happened next is what saved my life.

Lavi, we both know you hesitated, but I'm so glad you came through with it… You told me you loved me. I don't think you could ever realize how much that shocked me, but, oh, what a pleasant shock it was. You may wonder how those words saved my life?

Lavi, oh my dear, sweet Lavi, those words changed my lie into a stone-hard oath; I would come out okay, better than okay, even. I would not let myself die; I refuse to give you up.

I will forever give you my loyalty and devotion.

* * *

><p><em>You gave me my life, and the strength to grasp it tightly. I will cherish every second.<em>


	5. Entry 4

_Nothing can forever stop true, devoted love._

_It can be hindered..._

_But never thwarted._

* * *

><p>Something similar to our current situation nearly happened before, you know. With Bookman, of course. That was yet another time I nearly lost you. You were able to fight it, that time... I can remember quite clearly, actually. Hard to forget such events, especially during these times.<p>

You see, he summoned you for a 'talk'. And, though I should feel ashamed, I admit to listening in to the scolding... Though, I had made sure to keep my presence unknown until later on... Not the point, I suppose.

I can remember quite clearly most of the words that were exchanged between the two of you, and it broke my heart a little, to say the least. To hear such things, as to be so much cause of your problems... Had it not been for me, after all, you'd not be in such a mess.

However... I could tell by your words, your very voice, that you held no regret. And, you know... Neither did I. If you were going to fight this law, so valiantly... So was I. I would be as strong, as vigilant, as you.

He said many things, before I wound up intervening. Speaking of how, thanks to me, you were being involved in the war... How I should mean nothing to you... And worst of all, that you had to break everything we had off.

You outright told him no.

Of course, we both know he's much more stubborn. No way would he take that as an answer and leave it at that.

He threatened to break it off, himself. Even then, he threatened to make you forget all about me; guess it was stupid, foolish of me, even, to think he wouldn't...

That's when I entered. I just couldn't stand by to listen to this anymore. Bookman simply scoffed at my appearance, even telling me to my face I was that cause of it all.

I took it, I agreed, though you protested. You told me not to let him tell me what I've done or haven't done. That I was innocent. But we both knew differently, right?

That only seemed to make Bookman feel his point had been proven. I tried to get him to understand that I'd never ask you to do a thing for me... Not if it jeopardized your role. You explained we were stronger than that... That it wouldn't matter we were in love, and... That's when Bookman dropped the worse words I could hear; after that day, you'd have to break everything off, or he'd erase your memories of me... And, then? You'd be leaving to go to the Asian Branch, where I'd never get to see you again.

But, Lavi... You then said some of the most touching words I have ever heard. You told him, with so much passion, that your being in love would change nothing. You told him how I understood, how I had said I'd wait, never interfere, and... That you knew you'd made the right decision with me.

You told Bookman that if he took you away from me... You'd not become a Bookman. You'd much rather erase yourself... That is when Bookman saw how adamant you truly were. He allowed us to remain together, or so I thought...

* * *

><p><em>Lavi, you make me feel so loved, so special. As if our hearts were truly blended together, melding as one...<em>


	6. Entry 5

_Two lovers_

_Three souls_

_A new beginning..._

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><p>One of the most important things in my life has so recently been discovered. I didn't have suspicions, at first. Not a single clue had really been shown to me.<p>

That month, though, I had missed my period, but... I figured it could have been stress delaying it. I waited another week or so, until I decided to figure out for myself.

I was ready to test, to check my suspicions, but... I was nervous, as usual. I sat alone in my room for the longest time, just thinking. The more I thought about it, the more nervous I would become. Deep down, I wanted the test to be positive, but so many things could hinder...

No. That is not the point of this entry. Finally, I choked back my nerves, got out of my bed, slipped into the bathroom, and did the deed I've neglected to do for about a week. It took me some time to finally look at my result, however... After some mental preparation, I glanced down to see for myself.

My breath instantly got caught in my throat.

Lavi... That was the day I had found out I was pregnant. I knew I had to tell you, but I was not sure in the slightest when or how I could. I figured... Tomorrow. December 25th... Christmas. Not exactly the type of gift you were expecting, I'm sure. I just hoped you'd be as happy as I was.

I felt as if I was walking among the clouds...

Though, as the day slowly began to pass... I began to think deeper, and became worried. After all, this Earth is ridden with Akuma. It's a dangerous world for us, let alone a newborn child... And then, add in the fact we couldn't hardly have even our relationship...

… Would this baby be bad for us?

That thought lasted hardly a moment, before I shook it away. How could I ever even think such a thing about OUR child? Nothing was its fault. Nothing.

I stayed up with you, that night. At the very strike of Midnight, I sat you down to tell you. I was very hesitant, at first... I think I somewhat beat around the bush, a little bit. I wasn't too sure just how to reveal the news to you.

Finally, I gave in and said it, outright. _Lavi, I'm pregnant._

At first, you thought Jelena put me up to it. You thought it was all a joke, which... Which got to me, a little. I don't know why, it just made me more scared, for some... odd reason. More... Desperate.

You changed the subject, but I changed it right back. Yet, you refused to believe it, still. I took you by the hand, then, stared right into your eyes, and told you again... I think that's when it finally sunk in, completely. You looked completely shocked... Shocked being an understatement.

At first... Well, I thought I really scared you, or something. You started rocking, back and forth... Repeating that you were going to be a father. I remember that, quite well. Then, you just... Laid back, on the bed. I was worried you had fainted...

But, then? You jumped right up, exclaiming your new-found status. 'Father'. You were going to be a father.

Lavi, you seemed so happy. And, despite my buried fears... That day... That day was the day everything felt right with the world. Lavi... You smiled at me, then. Oh, what a bright, handsome smile that was...

We hugged, kissed... And as I nuzzled your cheek, I couldn't help but tear up...

Papa rabbit and Mama kitty... Some of the best words I could ever hope to hear, one day, from our child.

_Mama. Papa._

* * *

><p><em>Lavi, you gave me purpose. I may not be a fighter, but now... Now, I'll have a job I can hopefully do well. But, that's not the most important thing...<em>

_Lavi. You gave me hope. Hope... For a bigger, brighter, and beautiful future._


	7. Entry 6

_A chapter of our lives was coming to a close,_

_Giving room for an all new page to bloom._

_Day by day..._

* * *

><p>Lavi, for so long, I've known how I've wanted to spend my entire life with you. I never was too sure, however, if you felt the same as I. After all, I've always been such a curious little thing...<p>

Of course, I would always remember the encouraging words I so often heard you say, all down to the simplest 'I love you', that came so much more often by now.

Every day of my life that I spent with you felt like more and more of a dream... And I always found myself falling in love with you everyday, always being constantly renewed and strengthened by every little second. I felt no doubt in my mind that I wanted to be with you until the very end...

And that is why your proposal caught me by such surprise. You took me by the hand, and then led me away from The Order. I, of course, had no idea just what you could be planning, or where you were even leading me to. Eventually, I could tell that the already cool air got slightly cooler, though not unpleasantly so. That means we were near water, right?

Soon, I received my answer. We came to a large pond, and the starlight from above gave a shimmering radiance to the pool's reflection. You always knew how to turn my attention right back to you, though, Lavi. You gripped my hand just a little bit tighter, indicating for me to look back at you.

When I did, you lowered yourself onto one knee, and pulled out the box with the ring as you told me how long you've waited to do this... And then, Lavi, you asked me to marry you. I couldn't even form the word I so desperately wanted to; you just caught me by so much surprise.

Finally, though, I was able to tell you yes... And Lavi, boy, am I glad I did. You put the ring on my finger, before enveloping me in such a sweet, warm embrace.

Lavi... You made everything in my world so clear, so beautiful, so joyful. You are my world, my soul, my very life...

Lavi, you have given me true meaning.

* * *

><p><em>You have given me the chance of bond I always dreamed of.<em>

_You have given me everything..._

_And in turn, everything of me belongs to you._

_You are the dreams I cherish at night,_

_The air I breath, that keeps me from crumbling to the weight of the world,_

_The blood that flows through my veins, keeping me alive and well,_

_The very soul of which makes me who I am._


	8. Entry 7

_I will prove to you, Lavi..._

_My heart shall forever remain_

_Within your own..._

* * *

><p>I still continue to wait. It hurts to know you have no recollection of your child and I. I will not sugarcoat it or lie, that is the utmost truth.<p>

But everything... And I do mean everything, that I have written in this journal is of raw emotion. I feel or felt as I had stated, or as is obvious. But, despite the... The pain I have felt, every second of happiness you have made me feel has made me who I am.

Your smile has been my sun, your arms, my warmth and security. Your voice, my comfort, your heart... My heart.

Lavi, I told you I would wait for you. I will remain to do so, even until the very end of my life here on this Earth. Even if you never do remember me, and I'm still waiting... It will never be in vain, in my eyes.

I will be happy to know my oath of love, devotion, and sincerity will forever be held out. Forever.

This, I swear.

* * *

><p><em>Lavi, I want you to remember one thing, at least. I will keep waiting.<em>

_My rabbit, my master, my fiance, my very heart and soul..._

_I love you._


End file.
